Christmas Songs

I think Christmas songs are the worst of all the earworms. No matter what else I listened to, I had "Santa Clause is Comin' To Town" in my head since the moment I woke up this morning. And I don't know even recall hearing it at any time recently, which makes me wonder how the hell it got in my brain. Damn Christmas music.

I once was corralled into acting (might wanna put air quotes around that) in a play at my hometown amateur theater. The play featured well-known songs with the lyrics changed to fit the plot and characters. I only had to participate in a few songs, but the one that I and two other actors performed on our own was the worst...because it was set to the tune of "Jingle Bells".

First off, let's get one thing straight. I. Can't. Sing. I have a voice, and I can memorize lyrics, and I can even hit a few right notes from time to time...but it does not sound good. When I took chorus in seventh and eighth grade, the boy who stood in front of me turned around every few lines and gave me a horrified look, as though he just couldn't believe that anyone could sing that badly. It's possible...trust me. Nonetheless, the director insisted that I sing my lines of the song, while my fellow performers for that number were allowed to speak their lines.

The play (I hesitate to call it a musical) was a comedy, so my horrid singing, perhaps, served a purpose. I still wanted it to sound as good as possible, though, so I practiced. A lot. A lot. The best part was that the play was performed in April. If you think it sucks to have Jingle Bells stuck in your head in December....

The result, is that, eight years later, I get a case of the twitchies whenever I hear Jingle Bells. Hell, just thinking the name makes me shiver. I also blush a little bit, because boy...was that a humiliating experience. The first time we did the number in front of an audience, I nearly passed out from sheer fright.

I love Christmas, but I dread turning on the radio or walking into a store for fear that I'll hear that song. It is the mother of all earworms, especially for me.

Now you know my weak spot. If I ever get kidnapped and am in possession of state secrets, my captors will know exactly what button to push.

Specifically, the play button on a stereo containing just about any Christmas album.